[Ding]
It's me, not you, back from Peru.
What, did you buy all of South America?
No, silly.
Just the shiny stuff.
Ohh.
Whoa! Is that real gold?
Don't touch!
This looks like a genuine, pre-columbian
artifact from the mezoian American civilization.
I would say it dated circa 3000 b.C.
It's really old.
Oh! Ooh!
And I got this pretty necklace, too.
Is that a real emerald?
What is this, slap Zack day?
London, you can't just steal another country's cultural artifacts.
Daddy didn't steal them.
He bought them from a guy named Dakota Smith.
He delivered them in the middle of the night
and then we left really, really fast on a jet.
I barely made it up the steps.
Well, as long as they weren't stolen.
And now daddy's going to display
all the treasures of the pyramid right here at the tipton.
Ooh! May I present the main attraction?
Queen quiqui qumqum.
Aah! The curse of the mummy!
Ooh!
What curse?
The curse of queen quiqui!
Anyone who disturbs her rest
shall be doomed forever.
Ah!
Oh, wait. How do you know so much about this?
Oh. Come here, come here, come here.
My village lies in the shadow
of queen quiqui's pyramid.
But it looked like no one had been near there for a thousand years.
Right. Because as I may have mentioned before,
it's cursed!
Only a complete idiot would go there!
Hi.
The only thing worse than disturbing queen quiqui's rest
is if someone stole her precious emeralds.
Aah! The curse of the necklace!
Aah!
Boy, they got a lot of curses.
♪ Here I am in your life ♪
♪ here you are in mine ♪
♪ yes, we have a suite life ♪
♪ most of the time ♪
♪ you and me, we got the world to see ♪
♪ so come on down ♪
♪ just me and you know what to do ♪
♪ so come on down ♪
♪ it's you and me and me and you ♪
♪ we got the whole place to ourselves ♪
♪ you and me, we got it all for free ♪
♪ so come on down ♪
♪ this is the suite life ♪
♪ we've got a suite life ♪
Don't you worry, Mr. Smith.
Call me Dakota.
Oh. North or South?
Just Dakota.
Ok.
Want a signed picture of me
fighting off a rampaging rhino with a spork?
Ooh.
Maybe later.
Although I will be away at a wedding this weekend,
I assure you, your exhibit will be completely safe.
I have put my best man in charge.
Skippy!
Ooh, my!
Yes, sir?
This is your best man?
Actually, my best man is getting married.
My second best man is out sick,
and my third best man is the best man
at my first best man's wedding.
So technically, he's my fourth best man.
Oh, shucks.
I'm flattered.
Ohh!
Perhaps I shall keep our most valuable item locked in my room.
I would.
Take the queen.
Speaking of which,
here. Have a queen quiqui hat.
Ooh!
Cool!
Thank you.
It'll go with my I'm with stupid t-shirt.
Which I should be wearing right now.
While I am away I want nothing to happen to this exhibit.
And by nothing, keep Zack and Cody out.
Don't worry, sir.
They won't get by me.
I am an impenetrable wall.
Hey, skippy.
Yo, skip.
Hey, guys!
Oh, aren't they the cutest kids?
Show me the mummy!
I will show you the door!
Now, consider this your first and last warning.
You are not allowed in this room ever.
But we just want to take a peek at the mummy.
There will be no mummy peeking in this room.
That's right because it's going to be in Dakota Smith's room.
Mmm!
Oh, I guess I shouldn't have told them that, huh?
You think?
Crowd: Send the mummy home!
Send the mummy home!
Hey, lady!
If you want to protest something,
you should protest that outfit. It's hideous.
Oh, miss London!
Queen quiqui must go home,
or she will punish us all.
Esteban, stop being ridiculous,
and take off that silly hat.
This is my hat of protection.
The garlic keeps away the dead.
It does a good job on the living, too.
Oh! Oh, poor maddie.
The evil protestors trampled you, too.
Look what they did to your hair.
They didn't touch my hair.
Oh. Never mind.
Anyway, I completely agree with them.
Queen quiqui must go home.
Oh, maddie, you, too, believe this wrong should be righted.
Yes. I just met the ambassador from qumqum outside.
And he's very upset.
Pepe's out there?
He's the one in the garlic pants.
He owes me $10.
London, everything should go back to qumqum,
including that necklace.
It's a priceless cultural artifact.
A precious remnant of a once great civilization.
Yeah, but it goes great with my new boots.
It's just not fair.
Moseby won't let us in
to see them set up the exhibit
because he's afraid we'll break something.
Well, you did break the chandelier in the ballroom
and the vent in the lounge
and that statue in the atrium and...
What's your point?
Boys, once the exhibit is open,
you can go see it just like everybody else.
It costs 32.50 per person.
Or you can read all about it in the papers.
Ohh.
Esteban, get in here.
But I'm afraid to see the mummy.
Uhh!
The mummy isn't down here.
Now, open your eyes.
Aah!
Would you relax?
It's just my old Dolly holly.
Well, they should've called her scary Mary.
Ok. So...
How is holly the Dolly going to help us
the mummy back home?
We just have to wrap her up in this,
put her in a crate to get her by skippy,
then switch her with the real mummy,
which we'll bring down here
and deliver to ambassador pepe.
He's going back to qumqum for the iguana festival.
He is?
Oh, I can't believe I missed it again.
I love the running of the iguanas.
The running of the iguanas?
We used to have the running of the chameleons,
but no one can ever see them.
Help me focus here!
Oh, right, right.
We must return queen quiqui back home
before we are cursed.
By the way,
what exactly does this curse do to you?
Well, let's just say you spend your life
in agonizing toil and poverty.
I got that now.
And your skin melts off,
your eyes explode, and your hair bursts into flames.
Ooh.
Oh, that would so put a damper on prom.
Ok.
Hurry up.
Ok, ok.
Zack, I don't know.
Don't worry. Dakota's downstairs dusting his pyramid.
Come on.
How did you get that pass key?
I just asked skippy for his.
He'll give you anything if you ask for it.
I even got his wallet.
There she is!
Wow! That is so cool!
Nice to meet you, queen quiqui!
Stop! Don't touch.
She mighty fall to pieces.
Yeah, I do have that effect on women.
Yeah, when you're not wearing deodorant.
Oh, yeah? If you're such a lady's man,
why don't you go give her a kiss?
Quit pushing!
Why, are you going to cry?
Ooh!
Lucky for us she landed on that awning.
Oh!
[Grunting]
Let's go!
Ahh!
It's Dakota!
Hide!
Uhh!
What are we going to do?
[Chuckles]
Don't worry.
I've got a plan.
No.
You don't even know what I'm thinking.
You're thinking you'll wrap me up in that gauze,
then put me in a sarcophagus,
while you go get the real mummy,
then switch us out later.
Ok, so you do know what I'm thinking.
But I mean, if both of us thought of it,
it can't be that bad of a plan.
Yes, it can.
It can be a terrible plan.
It can be the worst plan in the history of plans.
Ok, then think of another plan
and while you're thinking, hold this.
Uhh!
Stupid key.
Where's that housekeeper?
Ooh, not so tight.
I can barely move.
You're dead. You're not supposed to move. Now mute.
Zack, I have a bad feeling about this.
Come on. What could go wrong?
I have to go potty.
I'll be right back.
There's nothing to worry about.
Now get in the coffin.
Never mind.
Ok. Let's get this mummy down to the exhibit.
So...
Want a signed picture of me
putting a giraffe in a headlock?
Great.
Now I have to pay 32.50 just to see my brother.
[Ding]
There you are!
Oh! Whatcha doing?
Look, Cody is posing as the mummy
and I need to get in there and switch him with the real one.
Where's the real one?
Aah!
Shh!
[Muffled scream]
I just need your help getting past skippy.
Oh, that'll be easy.
That guy is d-u-m-m.
Dumb.
Yeah, but moseby gave him specific instructions
not to let me or Cody into the ballroom.
Ohh!
So you need someone who has more power than moseby.
Yeah.
Who you going to ask?
♪ Take one down, pass it around ♪
♪ one bottle of pop on the wall ♪
Where the heck is Zack?
[Yawns]
I am so ready for bed.
Although this is pretty darn cozy.
I could see sleeping in here for a couple thousand years.
[Yawns]
[Snoring]
Hey, maddie. Hey, Esteban.
Both: Hey, skippy!
Oh, I can't let you in.
You might be the twins in disguise.
Or we might be maddie and Esteban
delivering an artifact that was left in the basement.
Ohh. What is it?
It's, uh...
Earring!
It was the era of big ears.
It was right after big noses,
just before big feet.
Well, ok.
But I have to come with you.
No, you can't!
Why not?
Because!
There's an emergency we forgot to tell you about.
What is it?
Tell him, maddie.
The protestors...
Are tunneling under the ballroom as we speak
to steal the exhibit!
Ooh! What do I do?
You need to go to the...
Kitchen...
And get all the...
Pudding you can carry!
Well, why?
Yes.
Why?
So the protestors can't escape out of their hole.
That makes sense.
It does?
I mean, sure it does.
Ok. Quick, work, go!
Come on! Let's make the switch!
The sooner, the better.
My garlic is losing its potency.
No, it's not.
Come on!
Ok, ok.
[Snoring]
Do you hear snoring?
No. Now, come on!
We're out of pudding,
but we got a whole mess of coleslaw!
Hey, skippy!
I need you to do me a big favor.
Well, we're all out of pudding.
And that's what I want!
So go buy some!
But I-I-I-I'm supposed to be standing guard.
Do you know what happened to the last tipton employee
who refused to help me, London tipton?
No.
Let's just say,
all that was left of him was his nametag
and a tiny pile of pudding.
Ok. I-I-I-I'll get your pudding faster
than you can say butterscotch.
But say it real slow.
Buuutteeerrr...
Scooootch.
Can we just go in now?
Shh! Come on!
We're here for you, Cody.
He probably can't hear us through all the gauze.
Help me carry Cody.
Uh!
Wow. Lighter than I thought.
Sorry, buddy.
That's odd.
Aaaah!
That's not Cody.
It's the curse of the mummy.
It turned Cody into a giant doll!
With one eye and really bad split ends.
Gotta load the queen on a truck and in a few hours
she'll be on a plane heading back to qumqum.
Oh, no. You cannot get there by plane.
From the dock, we have to take a train,
a bus, and a number 5 donkey.
Just watch the mummy.
I'll go wait for ambassador pepe.
Ok.
Ahh.
Don't worry, your highness.
Soon you'll be back with your dead and decaying friends.
[Yawn]
Did you say something, mummy?
Ahh.
[No audio]
Muh-muh-muh-muh-muh- muh-maddie!
What is it?
M-m-m-m-m-m-mummy!
Yes! It's a mummy.
What's wrong?
I-I-I-I-I-it's alive!
No, it is not. It's dead. See?
Dead, dead, dead!
Right!
Dead, dead, dead.
Ow!
Muh-muh-muh-muh-muh- muh-maddie!
What is it now?!
The mummy is moving!
Oh, don't be ridiculous!
Just a sec. For the last time,
mummies do not come back to life!
I said just a second!
Run!
[Screaming]
What kind of curse turns someone into a doll?
The mummy Dolly cursy thingie.
Oh, yeah. That's real scary.
Oh, no. Here comes the mummy Dolly.
She's going to make me play tea party of doom.
Well, then how do you explain
the hideous thing that happened to Cody?
You know,
as a mother, there's a few things I don't want to hear.
And one of them is "explain this hideous thing
that happened to Cody!"
It's simple.
He's been cursed.
And now he's a Dolly mummy.
But deep down, he's still your son.
The real story is?
Well, you wouldn't pay for us to see the real mummy,
so we snuck into see it,
but Cody made it fall out the window,
so I wrapped him up in gauze and some men took him away.
I liked your story better.
Yay! My story!
Ok, guys,
I want to know what's really going on,
and I don't want to hear anything about a curse.
There's no such thing as curses.
Run!
The curse of queen quiqui!
Maddie, now, don't tell me you believe in this nonsense, too.
No. I believe in that nonsense.
[Grunting]
Oh, it's--
mad! Ohh!
I'll protect you!
[Grunting]
What are you doing?!
I said my room is out of toilet paper!
Thank you.
[Grunting]
Give me that hat!
Aah! No!
He won't hurt you!
Not if I have the hat! Aah!
Whoa! Oh, no.
Don't unwrap it.
Who knows what it looks like after thousands of years.
Aah! It's hideous!
Come here, honey. Are you ok?
Swell. Just a little dizzy.
Welcome back, buddy.
Welcome back?
You left me wrapped up for hours.
Where have you been?
I thought you were coming right back to get me.
Well, we did,
but the mummy was just a doll wrapped in gauze.
It was a total fake.
How did you find out the mummy was a fake?
It's a fake?
No.
Liar, liar, cargo pants on fire!
This necklace is probably plastic.
Here, maddie. You can have it.
Actually, the necklace is real emeralds.
Thanks for holding it for me, maddie.
If the artifacts are real,
why would you want to have a fake mummy?
Because I couldn't find the real one.
I spent 8 years in the jungle
living on beetles and bat's blood.
All: Ew!
I found all these beautiful treasures,
but nobody cares about them
if I don't have some stupid mummy.
It's all about the mummy.
Mummy, mummy, mummy!
I think he has mummy issues.
Wait. So let me get this straight.
I risked my life climbing out on an awning
to get a fake mummy?
You climbed out on an awning?
No.
Well, now the whole exhibit is ruined.
Well, that's what you get for trying to make money
off of another culture's treasures.
It wasn't about the money.
You are selling queen quiqui bubble-heads.
Kids love them.
Ok. There's a truck waiting outside.
All in favor of returning queen quiqui's treasures
to her pyramid raise your hands.
Ohh.
Good. Now let's get Cody unwrapped
because he really has to go.
Not anymore.
This gauze is really absorbent.
Hey, Mr. moseby.
Welcome back.
How was your friend's wedding?
Great. They loved all the pudding I brought.
That explains so much.
So, how did things go during my absence?
Oh, great. Excellent.
No problem whatsoever.
Really?
Ok.
You broke me down.
Oh, I'm in powerful trouble.
The mummy was a fake!
Then what are all these people in line to see?
Mr. tipton's greatest treasure.
Hi.
Bye!
Hi!
Bye!
Don't touch me.
I'm priceless.
Hi!
Bye!
Hi!
Bye!
Hi!
Bye!
Hi!
Bye!
Hi!
Good-bye!